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    Humour

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    bobhardee

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    Re: Humour

    Post  bobhardee on Sat Jan 25, 2014 2:56 pm

    Someone has described heaven as a family reunion

    that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home

    videos of the same reunion?  Crazy Happy 
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Wed Jan 29, 2014 5:15 pm

    I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old peopl are called "Depends".

    Well here is the low-down on the whole thing.

    When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em.

    When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

    Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    mudra

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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Thu Jan 30, 2014 1:44 pm

    A conference call in real life.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYu_bGbZiiQ


    Love Always
    mudra
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:35 pm

    The pastor decided to do something a little different.

    He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to
    help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn
    that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.


    Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'


    The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'


    The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'


    The pastor said 'POWER.'


    The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'


    The Pastor said 'SEX'


    The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock.
    They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

    Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother
    stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    mudra

    Posts : 18525
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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Fri Jan 31, 2014 9:16 am

    Meryl Streep Makes Everything Sound More Interesting

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8TSBw5JiWE#t=123


    Love Always
    mudra
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    Micjer

    Posts : 1449
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    Location : Canada

    Re: Humour

    Post  Micjer on Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:01 pm

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    burgundia

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    Location : Poland

    Re: Humour

    Post  burgundia on Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:35 am

    I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
    the following reasons:

    1-------- I do physical labor.
    2.------- I work at great depths.
    3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
    4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
    5.--------I work in a damp environment.
    6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
    7.------- I work in high temperatures.
    8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.


    Reply:

    Dear Penis,

    After assessing your request, and considering the
    arguments you have raised, the management denies your
    request for the following reasons:


    1. You do not work 8 hours straight.


    2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
    brief work period.


    3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.


    4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
    visiting other locations.


    5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
    and stimulated in order to start working.


    6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
    your shift.


    7. You don't always follow necessary safety regulations, by wearing
    the correct protective gear.


    8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.


    9. You are unable to work double shifts.

    10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before
    you have completed the assigned task.

    11.. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen Entering
    and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags!

    Sincerely, The Management



    Five reasons not to be a penis ...

    1. You're bald your whole life.
    2. You have a hole in your head.
    3. Your neighbors are nuts.
    4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
    5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint!




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    mudra

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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:20 pm



    Love Always
    mudra
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:04 am

    Three Ladies in a Sauna

    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

    SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
    BEEP STOPPED.

    THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

    WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

    SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ...... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A
    FAX!!


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:53 am

    Most of us at one time or another have had to prepare efficiency reports and job evaluations for someone.  In the military these ratings/evaluations are essential for promotions and choice assignments.  Far too often people are given satisfactory or better reports just to keep them happy. That is one of the reasons that in many occupations there are incompetents in charge. My compliments to the people who prepared these ratings. They did the right thing. I also suspect that all of us have at one time or another have had a co-worker or supervisor to whom many of these comments could pertain.



    BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS' REPORTS


    I am told the below are actual excerpts from staff assessments conducted by BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS.


    1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

    2. I would not breed from this Officer.

    3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

    4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

    5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

    6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

    7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

    8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

    9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

    10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

    11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

    12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

    13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

    14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

    15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

    16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

    17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

    18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

    19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet..

    20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

    21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

    22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

    23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

    24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

    25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

    26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

    28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

    29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

    30. A room temperature IQ.

    31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

    32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

    33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

    34. He has been working with glue too long.

    35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

    36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

    37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

    38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

    39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

    40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

    41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

    42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

    43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

    44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

    45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Feb 13, 2014 7:23 am





    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    mudra

    Posts : 18525
    Join date : 2010-04-09
    Age : 63
    Location : belgium

    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Thu Feb 13, 2014 4:21 pm

    So papa how do you like the new Ipad we got for you?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCCSItlrP0A


    Love Always
    mudra
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    mudra

    Posts : 18525
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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Fri Feb 21, 2014 5:45 pm

    Cat gets caught barking by a human and resumes meowing

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP3gzee1cps


     lol! 

    Love Always
    mudra
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    mudra

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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Sun Feb 23, 2014 4:47 pm

    Laurel and Hardy dancing to Santana

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkZGg0qNdCc


    Love Always
    mudra
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    bobhardee

    Posts : 3056
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    Location : Sand Hills of South Carolina

    Re: Humour

    Post  bobhardee on Sun Feb 23, 2014 6:27 pm

    All of the last several posts were LOL
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    mudra

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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Mon Feb 24, 2014 4:58 am

    bobhardee wrote:All of the last several posts were LOL

    Glad you enjoyed them Bob  cheers 

    Love from me
    mudra
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    mudra

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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Wed Mar 05, 2014 7:00 pm

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    mudra

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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Fri Mar 07, 2014 4:18 pm



    Love Always
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Mon Mar 10, 2014 1:20 pm

    THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

    People born before 1944 are called - The Greatest Generation.

    People born between 1944 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

    People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

    And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

    Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

    Y should I get a job?

    Y should I leave home and find my own place?

    Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

    Y should I clean my room?

    Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

    Y should I buy any food?



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    mudra

    Posts : 18525
    Join date : 2010-04-09
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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Tue Mar 11, 2014 6:06 pm



    Love Always
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Mar 13, 2014 1:52 pm




    Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)

    Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!



    A good laugh for people in the over 60 group!


    When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

    I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how
    to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

    The world is just getting too complex for me.

    They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."


    P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humor could handle it.


    We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.





    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:18 pm

    Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

    After a long period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey ,I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.
    Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

    Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

    "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    "I wasn't!"


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Carol
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    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Sat Mar 22, 2014 1:19 pm

    Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

    1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

    2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.

    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
    What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    mudra

    Posts : 18525
    Join date : 2010-04-09
    Age : 63
    Location : belgium

    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Thu Mar 27, 2014 5:29 pm



    Love Always
    mudra
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    mudra

    Posts : 18525
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    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Thu Mar 27, 2014 5:48 pm

    Dog Alarm Clocks are the Best Alarm Clocks

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSfKcZYcLiU


     lol! 

    Love Always
    mudra

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    Re: Humour

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