tMoA

~ The only Home on the Web You'll ever need ~


    Humour

    Share
    avatar
    mudra

    Posts : 18063
    Join date : 2010-04-09
    Age : 62
    Location : belgium

    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:21 pm

    Wedding Photographers routine.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLI6VA40oUs


    Lmfao

    Love Always
    mudra
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Sat Nov 01, 2014 1:18 pm

    BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspaper

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.   8 years old, Hateful little bastard.    Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES:    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.  Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!   Must sell washer and dryer £100.


    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. Worn once by mistake.   Call Stephanie
        **** And the WINNER is... ****

      FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

     >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

     Children Are Quick:


     TEACHER: Why are you late?

     STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

        ____________________________________

        TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

        JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

        __________________________________________

        TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

        GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

        TEACHER: No, that's wrong

        GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

        (I Love this child)

        ____________________________________________

        TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

        DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

        TEACHER: What are you talking about?

        DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

        __________________________________

        TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

        WINNIE: Me!

        __________________________________________

        TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

        GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

        ______________________________

        TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

        Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

        LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

        ______________________________________

        TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

        SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

        ______________________________

        TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

        Did you copy his?

        CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

        ___________________________________

        TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

        HAROLD: A teacher


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Mercuriel
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 3445
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Age : 50
    Location : Walking the Path...

    Re: Humour

    Post  Mercuriel on Sat Nov 01, 2014 2:31 pm



    Jawdrop


    _________________
    Namaste...

    Peace, Light, Love, Harmony and Unity...
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Mon Nov 17, 2014 11:48 am

    The Salesman

    A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
    confused as to where he was on the course.

    Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
    explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must
    be on the 6th hole."

    He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
    the same request.

    She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on
    the 13th hole."

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
    sitting at the end of the bar.

    He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was
    a sales lady and played the course often.

    He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
    your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales,
    also. What do you sell?"

    She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

    "No, I won't."

    "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

    With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

    She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

    "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for 
    Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Sun Nov 30, 2014 9:30 pm

    Madeline's Hens,,,,,,,,


    Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


    She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


    This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.


    Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


    Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


    Madeline's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!


    When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


    To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


    Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


    Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.


    If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken, no yoke… !!!


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    B.B.Baghor

    Posts : 1851
    Join date : 2014-01-31
    Age : 66
    Location : Druid county UK

    Story-telling with a belly laugh

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Mon Dec 01, 2014 7:39 am

    Thank you, Carol, for your post with superb and hilarious truth - telling. Flowers
    I like that style!

    I share my portion of truth-telling in LinkedIn, sometimes with wry humor and sometimes posting whistleblower stuff.
    Just for a short while, to see what happens when I shake the pillows of those comfort chairs, with people from all over
    the world sitting in them, focussed mainly on doing business. Minding their own and probably wishing me to shut up
    and join them.

    I posted a you tubby with the 5 hrs. visual report on the rebellion and fighting in the Ukrain, shared by Burgundia here,
    No hilarious content at all, but kept from the eyes of the Western world and therefore posted by me. The usual comment
    on these kind of pretty sad posts is "Who said, life is easy?" That's the spirit overthere. It's interesting to do some research
    in that world of entrepeneurs, to see what makes them tick in different parts of the world. Now, there's a "discussion" on the
    sparring of the Jewish and Arabic world, by sharing words of leaders, be it rabbi or imam. Members can comment on them.
    Very few do.








    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Fri Dec 12, 2014 2:13 pm

    Six Undeniable Facts
      
    Let's leave evidence everywhere that we made the most of this life, because this life is all we have. (Wisdom of Solomon)
      
       1.    A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
     
       2.    We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
     
       3.    Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
     
       4.    Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
     
       5.    Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
     
        6.   A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Fri Dec 12, 2014 2:25 pm

    B.B.Baghor wrote:Thank you, Carol, for your post with superb and hilarious truth - telling.  Flowers
    I like that style!

    I share my portion of truth-telling in LinkedIn, sometimes with wry humor and sometimes posting whistleblower stuff.
    Just for a short while, to see what happens when I shake the pillows of those comfort chairs, with people from all over
    the world sitting in them, focussed mainly on doing business. Minding their own and probably wishing me to shut up
    and join them.

    I posted a you tubby with the 5 hrs. visual report on the rebellion and fighting in the Ukrain, shared by Burgundia here,
    No hilarious content at all, but kept from the eyes of the Western world and therefore posted by me. The usual comment
    on these kind of pretty sad posts is "Who said, life is easy?" That's the spirit overthere. It's interesting to do some research
    in that world of entrepeneurs, to see what makes them tick in different parts of the world. Now, there's a "discussion" on the
    sparring of the Jewish and Arabic world, by sharing words of leaders, be it rabbi or imam. Members can comment on them.
    Very few do.




    Aloha Baghor,

    You're welcome. Glad you enjoyed it.

    We received a Christmas card from relatives who live near the Ukraine and in Germany who are very concerned about what is happen and expressed their fears. They included a photo of the Festival of Lights at the Brandenburg Gate (the sculpture on top of it was created by one of my husband's relatives). It was there hope that the light they create there is carried around the globe affecting all of humanity in a peaceful way. It was 25 years ago that the Berlin Wall came down. We were there just a week before this happened and the whole political situation left quite an impression. Even driving from Budapest to Austria was enlightening as part of the landscape near Budapest reminded me of the Sacramento area where some of family fleeing from there ended up relocating near Sacramento. I remember thinking at the time how similar it all looked except for the politics. Relatives in Europe are much more politically minded following what is going on because of how close they are to one another and how politics affect them.. not so much in the US which is like a turtle in the middle of the ocean away from much of Europe's realities.

    I think most people in the US are too under-educated to make any type of intelligent comment on this. They've never lived in a country that's been 
    invaded. Nor do they understand what it means to live in that type of environment. Sad but true. I'm glad you are taking the information to the next level and sharing it. Mahalo nui loa.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Sun Dec 14, 2014 7:47 pm

    A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said, “I’m sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”


    Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said “ I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”


    Chuck said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer said, “What ya gonna do with him?” Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Chuck said “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”


    A month later, the farmer met with Chuck and asked “what happened with that dead horse?” Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”


    Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.” Chuck grew up and works now for the government.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    mudra

    Posts : 18063
    Join date : 2010-04-09
    Age : 62
    Location : belgium

    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Thu Dec 18, 2014 1:06 pm



    Love Always
    mudra
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Mon Dec 29, 2014 10:26 am




    Tickle Me Elmo
     
     



    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new 
    Employee.

    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. 


    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 
    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 


    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .. 


    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'


    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.




    Last edited by Carol on Fri Jan 02, 2015 9:20 am; edited 1 time in total


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Fri Jan 02, 2015 9:16 am

    "What are some of the secrets to success in life?" I found the answers right there in my very room...........

    The fan said, BE COOL

    The roof said, AIM HIGH

    The window said, SEE THE WORLD

    The clock said, EVERY MINUTE IS PRECIOUS

    The mirror said, REFLECT BEFORE YOU ACT

    The calendar said, BE UP TO DATE

    The door said, PUSH HARD FOR YOUR GOALS
    ....


    The mat said, KNEEL DOWN AND PRAY

    The toilet said, FLUSH THE HATERS THAT DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ENJOY ANYTHING GOOD IN LIFE!

    Happy 2015 to each and every one of you!


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Micjer

    Posts : 1449
    Join date : 2010-04-29
    Location : Canada

    Re: Humour

    Post  Micjer on Mon Jan 12, 2015 10:49 pm

    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Mon Jan 12, 2015 11:06 pm

    We were laughing so hard at this next one we could hardly catch our breath.


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyNvARU9xt0


    Last edited by Carol on Fri Jan 16, 2015 10:09 am; edited 1 time in total


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Micjer

    Posts : 1449
    Join date : 2010-04-29
    Location : Canada

    Re: Humour

    Post  Micjer on Tue Jan 13, 2015 7:37 am

    Brilliant. lol!
    avatar
    B.B.Baghor

    Posts : 1851
    Join date : 2014-01-31
    Age : 66
    Location : Druid county UK

    Fawlty Towers....handling complaints and... ha ha....a biscuit with your rat?

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Tue Jan 13, 2015 8:56 am

    Those Mrs. Browns boys tubbies are such fun, marvelous,
    brightens up a cold and rainy day in Holland Thubs Up

    I've seen the... oh so typical British Fawlty Towers dvd-series, with a large group of hostellers,
    in the UK, on a row of nights, pun intended. When the last episode ended, we all left the lounge
    room, with hurting happy tummies. Cheerful


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_cDmwlbVkg


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_q4S7lZeik
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Tue Jan 13, 2015 9:07 am

    Cute. Insanely Happy


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    B.B.Baghor

    Posts : 1851
    Join date : 2014-01-31
    Age : 66
    Location : Druid county UK

    I don't get this.

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:02 am

    Am I too green, for being a 95% non drinker of alcohol, to be able to get this, Carol?
    Or am I the only one seeing a pyramid from above with x-es in little black squares in a vertical row?
    Can't remember having had some today.... I'm into an interview with Randy Cramer, with Carry Cassidy
    questioning him on his 17 years service on Mars, as a super soldier. Weird sketches of events, for sure.
    I may have become a bit green in the face, listening to that Bleh

    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Thu Jan 15, 2015 8:17 am

    Listening to Randy Cramer would make anyone a little bit green. He spent 17 years on Mars interfacing with the Reptilians.. not funny at all. Maybe a little wine might help but rarely drink myself as alcohol doesn't agree with the native american blood.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    B.B.Baghor

    Posts : 1851
    Join date : 2014-01-31
    Age : 66
    Location : Druid county UK

    Remedy for a native heart

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Thu Jan 15, 2015 8:37 am

    Ahhhh.... let's drink an Irish Coffee without the whiskey Toast and enjoy
    a down to green earth joyful Gaelic song with the beauty of Ireland.




    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Fri Jan 16, 2015 10:13 am

    Obama Care Simplified


    Thank God for Engineers !! Concise summary by a Purdue engineer.
     
    Here are the 10,535 pages of ObamaCare condensed to 4 sentences...
    As humorous as this may sound.....every last word of it is absolutely TRUE!
     
    1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to uninsure the insured. 
     
    2. Next, we require the newly uninsured to be re-insured.
     
    3. To re-insure the newly uninsured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.
     
    4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became uninsured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original uninsured can be insured, which will be free of charge to them.
     
    This, ladies and gentlemen, is called "redistribution of wealth" ...
     
    or, by its more common name......... SOCIALISM.  


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Sun Jan 18, 2015 7:31 pm



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    avatar
    mudra

    Posts : 18063
    Join date : 2010-04-09
    Age : 62
    Location : belgium

    Re: Humour

    Post  mudra on Tue Jan 27, 2015 7:19 am

    Guy Gets So Angry About Shoveling Snow That He Wrote This In His Diary. This Is Hilarious.


    Diary of a snow shoveler…
    December 8: 6:00 PM
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
    December 9
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
    December 12
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
    December 14
    Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
    December 15
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
    December 16
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
    December 17
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
    December 20
    Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
    December 22
    Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white XXXX fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the Xxxxxxx is lying.
    December 23
    Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.
    December 24
    6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
    December 25
    Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
    December 26
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
    December 27
    Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
    December 28
    Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
    December 29
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
    December 30
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
    December 31
    I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
    January 8
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

    Read more at http://www.sun-gazing.com/guy-gets-angry-shoveling-snow-wrote-diary-hilarious/#tvJKd7M6Gz32JT4H.99


    Janitor's Revenge: How to annoy people when it snows.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1421914688&x-yt-cl=84503534&v=QIu0cEQ_yxM



    Love Always
    mudra
    avatar
    B.B.Baghor

    Posts : 1851
    Join date : 2014-01-31
    Age : 66
    Location : Druid county UK

    Re: Humour

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Tue Jan 27, 2015 2:05 pm



    That's a great snow shoveling story, mudra Thubs Up
    I'm smiling from ear to ear.
    avatar
    Carol
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 20364
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Location : Hawaii

    Re: Humour

    Post  Carol on Fri Feb 20, 2015 10:53 am

    Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”


    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoos 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. 


    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) 


    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! 


    Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shoot” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol

    Sponsored content

    Re: Humour

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Mon May 01, 2017 1:27 am