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    Humor - continued 2nd thread

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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Aug 28, 2016 6:32 pm

    Dad & Dave saw an ad in the local newspaper and bought a mule for $100.The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.


    The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."


    Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."


    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."


    They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."


    The farmer asked, "What in the world ya gonna do with a dead mule?"Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."


    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"


    Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


    A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked. 


    "What'd you fellers ever dowith that dead mule?"


    They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."Dad said, 
    "Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."


    The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"


    Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we 
    gave him his two dollars back."


    Dad & Dave now work for the government.
    They're financial advisers.


    We should limit all politicians to two terms.
    One in office
    One in prison


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Aug 29, 2016 5:23 pm

    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. 


    As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone. 
    She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". 
    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. 
    No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. 
    No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" 


    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly and the man sitting next to her had enough, 
    he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." 


    Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.


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    Pris

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Pris on Tue Aug 30, 2016 6:31 am

    .
    .

    lol!
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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue Aug 30, 2016 1:40 pm

    Donald and Hillary Go into A Bakery

    Donald and Hillary go into  a  bakery on the  campaign  trail.

    As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastriesand puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?  The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.  I will definitely win the election. ” 

    The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.  I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

    Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

    Intrigued, the owner gives him a pastry.

    Trump swallows it and asks for another one.

    The owner gives him another one.

    Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

    The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"


    Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket ." 


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Sep 09, 2016 7:22 pm

    I read this somewhere else and had to laugh. There is a lot of truth in this and one can see how the so-called Politically Correct element within government has altered American society. Growing up in the 50’s was a lot more fun. Enjoy.
    ~~~~~~


    It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.

    The following is a recap of MY current identity:


    -I was born white, which makes me a racist.


    -I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.


    -I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.


    -I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.


    -I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.


    -I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me useless.


    -I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary. 


    -I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.


    -I value my safety and that of my family, therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.


    -I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.


    -I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.


    Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!


    And now, my newest problem: I'm not sure which bathroom I should use.


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    Swanny

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Swanny on Sat Sep 10, 2016 8:02 am





    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oUUNb7aybA






    Poor apple fans now have to upgrade again because the iphone6 is so 2016
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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Sep 10, 2016 10:17 am

    It reminds me of an electric toothbrush only for the ear instead. So is it also used to get rid of ear wax? Insanely Happy


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Sep 23, 2016 9:59 am

    A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
    "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

    The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed m
    e up, and I'm fine, really."

    "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

    "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

    "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

    "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

    "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird XXXX!"

    "Well," says the pirate, "It was the first day with my hook... "


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Sep 24, 2016 12:13 pm

    A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

    "Hey, show us yer Xxxx, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

    Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

    Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “was that cross enough?



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Sep 24, 2016 1:48 pm

    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
    One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
    And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Sep 24, 2016 1:49 pm

    During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
    to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
    descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

    The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
    to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude,
    the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent
    on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

    The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
    ".....and all these years, I've been chewing gum."


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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Sep 24, 2016 2:10 pm

    Install LOVE on the HUMAN Computer

    Customer: I really need some help. After much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?

    Tech Support: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

    Install Love on the Human Computer

    Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install it now. What do I do?

    Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

    Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

    Tech Support: What programs are running?

    Customer: Let's see... I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.EXE running now.

    Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.EXE. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

    Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

    Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until it's erased the programs you don't want.

    Customer: Okay, now LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

    Tech Support: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will stay installed for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

    Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?

    Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

    Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

    Tech Support: What does the message say?

    Customer: It says, "ERROR 412-PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

    Tech Support: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

    Customer: So what should I do?

    Tech Support: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

    Customer: Yes, I have it.

    Tech Support: Excellent. You're getting good at this. Now, click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITICISM.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

    Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MP3 is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.EXE are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

    Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. Ah, one more thing.

    Customer: Yes?

    Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

    Customer: I will! Thanks for your help!


    Note: Author unknown


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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Oct 03, 2016 3:50 pm

    ONE MANS STORY:        

    I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

    Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

    Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
    If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

    Safe at last. Isn’t this administration great or what.


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    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Oct 03, 2016 10:53 pm

    Politicians and Riding a Dead Horse

    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

    In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

    1. Buying a stronger whip.

    2. Changing riders.

    3. Threatening the horse with termination.

    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

    5. Visiting other sites to see how others ride dead horses.

    6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

    7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living, impaired”.

    8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

    9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

    10. Attempting to mount multiple dead horses in hopes that one of them will spring to life.

    11. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

    12. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

    13. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

    14. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.

    15. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.


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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:31 am

    COMPUTER
    Spanish Computer !


    A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
    unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine
    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

    A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

    **Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two
    groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
    "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the
    feminine gender**** ("la computadora"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
    is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
    possible later retrieval; and*

    4.**As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.
    (THIS GETS BETTER!)

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
    masculine****("el computador"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
    ARE the problem; and**

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have got a better model.**


    The women won.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    mudra

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  mudra on Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:17 am

    "INAUGURATION DAY" — A Bad Lip Reading of Donald Trump's Inauguration

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gneBUA39mnI


    Love Always
    mudra

      Current date/time is Mon Mar 27, 2017 1:17 pm