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    Humor - continued 2nd thread

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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Nov 06, 2015 12:11 pm

    My Mother
    -------------------------

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

    How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?


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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Nov 06, 2015 12:39 pm

    THE BOTTLE OF WINE

    For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

    With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

    'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

    'Good trade.....'


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:18 pm

    ...Good trade.... Lolerz 

    Now this is about conversations in local buses in the countryside of the UK. One late afternoon, with the light on in the bus and the light going off quickly outside,about 5 passengers were in the bus on their way home, all familiar with each other. Local buses are like meeting points here in Avalon area and there's about 5 different bus-drivers each showing up in turn, knowing their passengers a bit.

    One of the passengers in the front talked with the bus-driver about how they preferredtheir steaks. The bus-driver told the man that he used to faint when seeing blood andtherefore he ate his steak well done. But now, he told the man, he had tried to eat hissteak medium rare, for a change and found he didn't faint. "Actually, I liked it better that way, so I will give it another try soon" he said.

    "I always like mine cremated" said the passenger. I laughed and couldn't stop almost. The woman behind the man began to laugh too and she touched his shoulder, telling him  "That lady in the back is laughing about what you just said." The man looked around, with a gleam in his eyes, the passenger besides me was grinning silently.

    Then the man who preferred his steak cremated, continued his conversation with the bus-driver. They now really had it going and the bus-driver proved to be a genuine sit-down-comedian! I couldn't hear all what was said, but the laughter filled the whole of the bus, with several of us in stitches.


    Meanwhile, one after the other left the bus at the bus-stops, disappearing in the dark and when the man who likes his steak cremated stood up, when it was his turn to leave, he turned to me and bowed. "I'm going home now and I will eat my cremated steak soon" he announced in an entertaining manner. "I could use it as a sole under my shoes"were his last words, while he stepped down on the pavement outside.


    I've got a feeling that this isn't as good as I thought it was, now that it's written down here. I'll post it and expect I won't hear a a thing... anyway.....  Cool
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Nov 11, 2015 11:12 pm

    I suspect B.B. that being there in the moment is what made it so funny. The energy others were sharing enhanced the experience.

    "I love you, sweetheart."

    A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

    All the women raised their hands.

    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

    Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

    "I love you, sweetheart."  

    Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

    Below are hilarious 12 replies.
    If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
     
    1. Who the hell is this?
     
    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
     
    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
     
    4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
     
    5. I don't understand what you mean?
     
    6. What the hell did you do now?
     
    8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
     
    9. Am I dreaming?
     
    10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
     
    11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
     
    12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?  


    Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?!


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Dec 20, 2015 10:09 am

    1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

    2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

    3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a
    garage makes you a mechanic.

    4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
    tried before.

    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
    program.

    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
    trip.

    11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

    12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
    waist change places.

    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
    before you need it.

    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
    mistake when you make it.

    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
    world.

    25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
    cease to be amused.


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Dec 20, 2015 6:52 pm

    A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

    After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
    'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . .....

    Wait for it ..... ......
    It's coming ...... ......

    The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

    She said .... ......:

    'You just happened to catch my eye.'

    (Oh shut up, and just share it)


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Dec 21, 2015 10:03 am

    Mortuary Entrances!

    Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on
    their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

    "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of
    heart failure while making love to his 20-year-old mistress.
    Hence the smile," says the coroner.

    "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
    Lottery. Spent it all on whisky.
    Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.

    The police inspector asked, "So what about this third body?"

    "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
    Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
    "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the inspector.
    "He thought he was having his picture taken.


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Dec 21, 2015 9:23 pm

    DOG FOR SALE

    A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.  He rings the bell and the owner  appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.  'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep', the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars', the guy says.

    'Ten dollars?   This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a Bullshitter.  He's never been out of the yard.'


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue Dec 22, 2015 10:45 pm

    The four stages of life:

    1 You believe in Santa Claus.

    2 You don't believe in Santa Claus.

    3 You are Santa Claus.

    4 You look like Santa Claus.


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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Brook on Tue Dec 29, 2015 10:50 am









    ~


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Brook on Tue Dec 29, 2015 5:27 pm


    Bored
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Jan 01, 2016 12:19 pm

    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
    the person to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
    than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"





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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Jan 01, 2016 12:22 pm

    A short neurological test

    1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

    99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
    99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
    99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
    69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
    99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
    99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

    3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

    This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you
    can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

    Congratulations!


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    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Jan 01, 2016 12:23 pm

    SENIOR CITIZENS
    ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!


    HEARING AIDS

    BAND AIDS

    ROLL AIDS

    WALKING AIDS

    MEDICAL AIDS

    GOVERNMENT AIDS

    MOST OF ALL,

    MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!

    Not forgetting HIV
    (Hair is Vanishing)


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    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Jan 04, 2016 5:16 pm

    Have a good laugh on this one….. ever wonder what could be worse than a colonoscopy?
    You will know the answer after watching this short, absolutely hilarious video. The Aussies know comedy!


    www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0
    HYSTERICAL!


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue Jan 05, 2016 1:04 pm

    EATING IN THE FIFTIES.

    Curry was a surname.
    A take-away was a mathematical problem.
    A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
    All potato c ris ps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put salt on or not.
    Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
    Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
    A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
    Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
    Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
    Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
    Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
    Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
    Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
    Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
    None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
    Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
    People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
    Indian restaurants were only found in India.
    Cooking outside was called camping.
    Seaweed was not a recognised food.
    "Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
    Prunes were medicinal.
    Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
    Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it ,
    they would have become a laughing stock!!
    The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .....
    "Elbows Or IPhones." ! ! ! !


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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:35 pm



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:41 pm

    When Marriage Counseling Goes Wrong. This Is Gold.
    A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.

    The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

    Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

    The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

    The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

    The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu Jan 07, 2016 2:28 pm



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jan 09, 2016 2:13 pm

    *Apolitical Aphorisms *

    * * If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.* ~Jay
    Leno~ *
    * The problem with political jokes is they get elected.* ~Henry Cate, VII~

    * We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. *
    ~Aesop~

    * If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the
    Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. * ~Will
    Rogers~

    * When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
    beginning to believe it. * ~Clarence Darrow~


    * Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
    go out and buy some more tunnel. * ~John Quinton~

    * Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
    funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. * ~Oscar
    Ameringer~

    * I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us,
    I will stop telling the truth about them.* ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign
    speech, 1952~

    * A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. * ~
    Tex Guinan~

    * I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
    left to the politicians. ~*Charles de Gaulle~

    * Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better
    to change the locks. * ~Doug Larson~

    BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman: If you want a real friend that you
    can trust in Washington - get a dog!


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jan 09, 2016 2:31 pm

    HOW IS NORMA? ..........

    A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak
    to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

    The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

    The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 0K "Norma Findlay , Room 302."

    The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

    After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

    The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
    God bless you for the good news."

    The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

    The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me XXXX."


    FYI- Hospitals because of HIPPA can't pass this info on anymore without a release.


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jan 09, 2016 2:45 pm

    This is what happens when you reply to spam email

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrh9KbhrXD8


    Suspicious emails: unclaimed insurance bonds, diamond-encrusted safe deposit boxes, close friends marooned in a foreign country. They pop up in our inboxes, and standard procedure is to delete on sight. But what happens when you reply? Follow along as writer and comedian James Veitch narrates a hilarious, weeks-long exchange with a spammer who offered to cut him in on a hot deal.

    Love Always
    mudra


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue Jan 12, 2016 5:52 pm

    Story of Husband Who Self Taser-ed Himself

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    This is hilarious!!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
    lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman
    needs something to protect herself with, right??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
    I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
    better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
    thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
    taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
    and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
    muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
    as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from
    such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
    myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
    naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF
    MASS DESTRUCTION . ... WHAT THE HECK!!!


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
    picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
    getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
    caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
    violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
    considered conservative?

    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was.

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
    felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
    lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but
    was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint
    smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
    safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'


    _________________
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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Sanicle on Wed Jan 13, 2016 10:35 am


    That one is going out in emails.  Poor guy.

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Jan 24, 2016 9:46 am

    A mule skinner sent his prize mule to college and got back an obnoxious smart ass so he sent the smart ass to a common core mule school and his mule graduated after unlearning everything but returned a dumb ass that was more stupid than before the mule was sent to school in the first place.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

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