tMoA

~ The only Home on the Web You'll ever need ~


    Empowerment

    Share
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:21 pm

    Andromeda wrote:
    It is an interesting conundrum...if we want to empower ourself we need to stand alone? I think yes, because within we have all that we need to "know ourselves" and knowing is the first step to healing


    Do we need to stand alone?........It is a good question. Yes, I agree that within we have all we need to know about ourselves. Without the knowledge of who we are we can’t have deep and intimate relationships and friendships with others. I think that the real test we undergo when we are in relationships. Are we separate yet together? Or we merge or are enmeshed with another person so that it is difficult to tell where one person ends and the other begins. Can we talk about empowerment when we lost ourselves in fusion with another? No, we can’t. It is a problem for most relationships. Sadly, many people stay in relationships that don’t work while others decide to be alone. None of the choices indicates a fully empowered or individuated person. It is easy to be alone as people blocked themselves to experience many feelings that are triggered in close and intimate relationships. But they block themselves to get to know their weaknesses and wounds, and as such, they don’t heal and become complete and fully integrated person. On the other hand, people who stay in fused relationship don’t grow either. They may release anxiety in their relationship by engaging the third person. It is a classic triangle that was created to avoid facing the real, threatening, or scary issues between them. In other words, people triangle-in a third person when emotional tension between the two of them gets to high for either to deal with. It happens in relationships and friendships. In a triangle the awareness of their own inner life by each member tends to be low to absent, and the boundaries of each tend to be unhealthy. Many people create a triangle to avoid closeness and intimacy. They may create interlocking triangles as the pain of one triangle can’t be contained.
    The good news is that the more individuated person becomes, he or she attracts the individuated person. So, they can be separate yet together. It is impossible for an individuated person who has strong sense of self and healthy boundary to be with less individuated person with unclear boundary. Like attracts alike.
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:03 pm

    Let’s go back to opening our hearts.

    How to become aware of our emotions and the emotions of others is the subject of this section. In the last three decades popular psychology has led us to believe that we can’t cause feelings in others. We mistakenly believed that we are not responsible for the way others feel. In fact, we are responsible for each other as we can indeed cause feelings in each other, and therefore, we are often responsible for other people’s feelings. If people can be made to feel fear, anger, shame, and other negative feelings, then they can also be made to feel the emotions of love, joy, pride, and hope.

    As our actions can cause feelings in the people around us which can cause them to act in ways that will evoke our feelings we need to start exploring our emotional response by action/feeling statement: when you (action), I felt(emotion)

    It is important to note that in an emotionally literate relationship, no emotional event is too small to be discounted. Those seemingly trivial emotional events may reveal deeper emotional issues such as personal insecurities or inequities in a relationship. In fact, a series of action/feeling statement will clarify any emotional conflict.
    Action/feeling statement are not so easy to exchange and mistakes can be made. For instance, we may confuse action with motivation and confuse thoughts for feelings.

    Lets’ look at common mistakes we make.

    Confusing action with motivation.

    When we describe an action but add to it a judgment or interpretation of the action we try to describe.

    For example, When you embarrassed me by being late rather them When you were late

    When you so rudely finished our conversation rather than when you
    wanted to stop talking

    When you showed you disrespect for my opinion by interrupting me rather than
    when you interrupted me.

    These assumptions are usually incorrect as we try to describe someone’s motivation rather than describing action. They create unnecessary guilt, anger, or other feelings, therefore they block communication and make the other person defensive.

    Confusing feelings with thoughts

    This is a common mistake people make. For example, when you interrupted our conversation, I felt that you were angry, not interested in my opinion etc.
    When we make an action/feeling statement we need to focus on what we feel, not what we suspect or assume that the other person was thinking or feeling.

    Another subtle version of that confusion is a statement: When you interrupted me, I felt rejected. Rejection is not a feeling but our assumption about the other person’s motivation to reject us. Furthermore, if the person says he feels humiliated, discounted, rejected, insulted, or loved, those are not emotions but statements about what others are doing to him.

    All the above mistakes involve either blame or an attempt to read the mind of the other person. Those statements need to be reevaluated and the hidden emotional response needs to be discovered. For example, anger, fear, sadness, shame, and hatred are primary negative emotions while love, joy, and pride are primary positive emotions. Jealousy, guilt, envy, hopelessness and hope are secondary combinations of basic emotions. We should break down secondary emotions into their primary component parts. For instance, envy can be described as anger and fear. Hopelessness can be describeds as fear and shame etc.
    avatar
    Vidya Moksha

    Posts : 490
    Join date : 2010-04-17
    Location : on the road again :)

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  Vidya Moksha on Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:35 am

    Andromeda wrote:It is an interesting conundrum...if we want to empower ourself we need to stand alone? I think yes, because within we have all that we need to "know ourselves" and knowing is the first step to healing

    I had a friend that was very much into ayahuasca and she died of liver complications...her case is not unique. The problem seems to be that we westerners are bypassing the dedicated training that shamans have, they start at a very early age...also it is BIG business now so, many "shamans" are not real ones

    I couldnt agree more! I have been initiated into an ancient lineage of peruvian shamans and I have been working with shamans for many years and have never tried ayahausca. I too am wary of these big businees shamans and the damage they do.

    I have been more than 5 years looking for the right time and the right teacher, and believe I have found what I am looking for. time will tell. I dont mind sharing my experiences when i have access to the internet.
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:39 am

    Exploring emotional landscape continuing.

    We may ask why clarification of others feelings is important. It creates a climate for emotional expression and cools down feelings that may otherwise result in further upset. But it also lays the groundwork for safe and productive dialog. It lets others know that how they feel is important to us as we listen to them and value them to have an honest exchange.

    So, let’s look at a dialog.

    When you rudely ended conversation yesterday, I felt that you didn’t care about me at all.

    You are saying that when I stopped our conversation yesterday, you felt something. But I can’t tell what you felt. Were you angry?

    No, I felt that you were rude. ( many people can be defensive at this point or stop listening and the issue goes underground unresolved)

    Ok., you thought that I was being rude, but would you be willing to tell me how you felt. I am interesting in how you felt.

    I don’t understand you.

    I am trying to figure out what feelings you felt. What were you feeling that made you think I didn’t’ care about you? Were you sad?

    A bit. Yeah, actually very sad. Then I felt angry.

    We may say that people don’t talk like that and we may feel embarrassed to talk that way. True. It can be difficult and embarrassing at times.
    But when we reflect upon our conversations with partners, noticing how we hid under the carpet our feelings because we didn’t have skills to create emotional exchange, we may not be surprised that we became distant from each other. Can you imagine what is under the carpet after 5 or 10 years?
    Well, we dream…..about another partner.LOL. But we do the same with another one.




    avatar
    Guest
    Guest

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  Guest on Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:04 am

    Vidya Moksha wrote:
    Andromeda wrote:It is an interesting conundrum...if we want to empower ourself we need to stand alone? I think yes, because within we have all that we need to "know ourselves" and knowing is the first step to healing

    I had a friend that was very much into ayahuasca and she died of liver complications...her case is not unique. The problem seems to be that we westerners are bypassing the dedicated training that shamans have, they start at a very early age...also it is BIG business now so, many "shamans" are not real ones

    I couldnt agree more! I have been initiated into an ancient lineage of peruvian shamans and I have been working with shamans for many years and have never tried ayahausca. I too am wary of these big businees shamans and the damage they do.

    I have been more than 5 years looking for the right time and the right teacher, and believe I have found what I am looking for. time will tell. I dont mind sharing my experiences when i have access to the internet.

    Wow Vidya, look forward to your sharings and take care, I am sure you will, you seem very wise Flowers
    avatar
    Guest
    Guest

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  Guest on Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:13 am

    Hi Starninja

    You make very interesting points and analysis

    My own experience on exploring my emotions lead me to the conclusion that the only way to be free is to give up my need to get other people's approval. That seemed to be my biggest hung up

    When I gave up the approving thing I sort of found myself in a vacuum pondering what to do next since it mattered not anymore what I did or did not do

    I revamped my life to allow myself as much free time possible (no more rat race for me lol) and some self sufficiency and learned how to give myself all that I seek from others, well almost all Lolerz

    Now I feel free as a butterfly, not even the end of the world worries me anymore I just take each day as it comes

    You are great Star, thank you for your research Hugs
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:04 pm

    Andromeda wrote:

    You make very interesting points and analysis

    My own experience on exploring my emotions lead me to the conclusion that the only way to be free is to give up my need to get other people's approval. That seemed to be my biggest hung up

    When I gave up the approving thing I sort of found myself in a vacuum pondering what to do next since it mattered not anymore what I did or did not do

    I revamped my life to allow myself as much free time possible (no more rat race for me lol) and some self sufficiency and learned how to give myself all that I seek from others, well almost all

    Now I feel free as a butterfly, not even the end of the world worries me anymore I just take each day as it comes

    You are great Star, thank you for your research.
    You are welcome, Andromeda. I have found that when I let go of getting others approval, I felt free. It takes enormous amount of energy to focus on getting others approval, energy that can be use to live a creative and fulfilled life. The irony is that people who love and appreciate us, they also accept us for who we are. So, why do we want to get approval of others who don’t accept us in the first place? Naughty Too bad that this knowledge doesn’t come together with a birth certificate. Lolerz
    avatar
    Mercuriel
    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 3447
    Join date : 2010-04-07
    Age : 51
    Location : Walking the Path...

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  Mercuriel on Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:50 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly...

    Its not important what others think of You - Only what You think of Yourself...

    The above Mentality frees You from seeking others approval and is something I adopted as early as 9 - IIRC...

    I was a strange Kid for sure LOL...

    albino


    _________________
    Namaste...

    Peace, Light, Love, Harmony and Unity...
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Tue Oct 19, 2010 4:09 pm

    Mercuriel wrote:

    The above Mentality frees You from seeking others approval and is something I adopted as early as 9 - IIRC...

    I was a strange Kid for sure LOL...



    Strange? Oh, you were a strong kid, that’s for sure. LOL. Well, I think that it is harder for female to do as we were heavily programmed that our worth lies in taking care of children and a partner. Yes, it is our instinct to take care for children. But we are not supposed to take care for a partner. I guess, I am putting a stick in the wasp nest. Big Grin 2 What I mean, women are trained to do emotional job for men and it is not our job to do so. When women change the pattern, many men loose their balance for a while and they are intensified their “change back” behavior, wanting his partner to be back to the old behavior. As a result of intense anxiety caused by the behavior of partner , many women give up. Only women who don’t give up but change the emotional pattern in relationships have deep and intimate relationships that are balanced. Big Grin 3
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:57 pm

    Accepting an Action/Feeling statement

    This is a continuation of Exploring Emotional Landscape . There are many more steps but I am not sure if I will have time to continue to post. My time is limited and I need to choose wisely as I have a lot to read and watch.

    As I mentioned earlier accepting an action/ feeling statement can be challenging as people may get defensive or respond with guilt. When people tell us how they feel in response to our behavior, we may deny, explain, justify, or even apologize. But the point is not how bad or wrong we were to act the way we did, but how our behavior made the other person feel. Taking responsibility and apologizing comes later.

    Why people become defensive, justify, or explain? Most of the time we behave this way because we feel guilty about having hurt someone. But a defensive response can also be a way of dismissing someone we don’t want to deal with. For many it requires to bite their tongue and be patient. However, for some people it can be quite challenging not to be defensive. In fact, the more insecure people are and the more unresolved issue they carry, the more defensive they become. They may restore to blame, putting somebody down , or other abusive behaviors. It also indicates they are not aware of their inner life and are out touch with their feelings. We need to choose if we even want to have that kind of conversation. We need also examine our feelings why we chose to have contact with that kind of people and ask ourselves: do we love and respect ourselves to be around that kind of people?
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:43 pm

    An ancient approach to empowered human beings. What is the difference? They experienced the reality through 360 senses not as we do. We may access the supernatural realm through the altered states of consciousness as we may use mushrooms and music. Those human beings had a heighten perception we don’t have. There is another very important aspect emphasized in this video. They cultivated a light of the heart and they balanced their emotions. On the contrary, we were programmed to suppress and deny our emotions, and as such, we keep our heart closed. Therefore, there is not light in our hearts. Hm……I am getting to understand why I had such a strong urge to go back to emotional healing. There is so much focus on accessing the supernatural realm and having a spiritual experience at the expense of having our hearts opened or having a light of the heart. I sense that there is something very important I still don’t know that is connected with emotions and the heart.





















    avatar
    dysfunctionalmystic

    Posts : 28
    Join date : 2010-10-26
    Location : wiltshire

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  dysfunctionalmystic on Thu Oct 28, 2010 3:14 pm

    I enjoyed reading through this thread, I agree that there is something very important with the heart and emotions and it goes deeper than we realise. The whole of the NMA and religion is designed to keep us away from the body which includes the heart. The stuff on energy vampires was good - useful tips too. I think the battle for the self is often overlooked, I've found a lot of information in psychoanalysis about the reasons we give away our power, it's so unhealthy.
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:30 am

    Dysfunctionalmystic, I enjoy reading your website. I was laughing at myself while I was reading your article about soul mates. I have to admit with a big embarrassment that I thought that maybe there were some spiritual truth about soul mates even though on a deep level I knew that relationship requires commitment, work, and emotional maturity. Well, when we hear 100 times a lie, we believe that it is true.
    So, when we were children we believed in Cinderella. As adult, we get more “sophisticated” belief about soul mates. LOL. You said it beautifully that the soul mates theory is playing on emotional vulnerability. Many adults don’t want to grow and become mature. This belief comes handy as an excuse not to take responsibility for personal growth. Thank you for a sobering message.sunny


    http://www.dysfunctionalmystic.com/#/soul-mates/4538303023
    avatar
    dysfunctionalmystic

    Posts : 28
    Join date : 2010-10-26
    Location : wiltshire

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  dysfunctionalmystic on Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:59 pm

    Big Grin 2 - I moved on from soul mates towards limerence lol, I always wanted to believe in the love and light stuff I really did but it just doesn't work and it's so flawed. I wouldn't mind if they didn't present so much of it as "fact". I was looking for some truth and a little bit of understanding and wisdom and all it (new age) gave me was denial and hidden demands for perfection. I'm glad it gave you a laugh - better than berating the self any day of the week Wink

    I do readings for a big company over the phone (I have to because I need the money) and the 2nd day I was back at work I got a woman who was convinced the guy she is no longer with is her soul mate, she is "evolved" and claims to understand how these things work (such as karma) she wanted to know when he would get in touch with her (to my suprise it looked like he would) and she then proceeded to tell me how she couldn't wait to turn him down and wanted to know if he realised the pain he put her through, she kept going on about how she was supposed to be the one who guided him on his path, how she was supposed to get him onto the spiritual path in life. She was hard work and rang me back a few times. What I got from her was that she wanted to punish him not love him and I wondered about her reasons for even wanting to see him again(apart from revenge) she told me that "others" had already confirmed to her that she was in fact his only soul mate. This woman was a nasty piece of work, all fluff but deadly inside and does not see her own negativity. She actually hurts me with her poison and its not even directed at me. Soul mates may well be about ownership too and that makes me uncomfortable.
    avatar
    starninja
    Inactive

    Posts : 1329
    Join date : 2010-09-02

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  starninja on Fri Apr 01, 2011 2:13 pm

    Maslow did an extensive research studying self-actualized people. He described 8 ways in which people self actualize.

    1. Self actualization means experiencing fully, vividly, and selflessly with
    full concentration. It means experiencing without self –consciousness of
    the adolescent.

    2. People choose growth choice rather then moving toward defense, toward
    safety, or toward being afraid.

    3. Listen to “the impulse voices”

    4. They are honest and take responsibility.

    5. Are not afraid of being different, unpopular, nonconformist.

    6. Use their intelligence and work toward actualizing one’s potential at any
    time.

    7. They have peak experience – moments of ecstasy or joy.

    8. Relatively free from ego defenses. They identified defenses and had
    courage to give them up.

    We may see that we have a lot under our control if we choose to. Endless talk about spirituality may take us away to become a self actualized individual. Just my few cents.Heh heh

    Sponsored content

    Re: Empowerment

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Mon Sep 25, 2017 3:28 pm